Jan 10, 2014

Karzai Gives Away his Bloody Swords

Afghan President Hamid Karzai donated dozens of his bloody swords to the National Museum of Afghanistan. The ceremony which was held under a tight security measure at the Afghan presidential palace hosted chieftains, clan elders with dyed and hoary beards from all over Afghanistan. According to the news, the ceremony started three hours late due to Karzai’s health condition, which was caused by his emotional attachment to his swords that were prepared to be given away.

Among the participants, a long-bearded man in black turban who lost his temper stood up and frantically said: “I’ve never waited for three minutes for my wife let alone three hours for a puppet.” Elders who were personally invited by Karzai gradually began to lose their patience. Another elder who claimed to have three of his failed suicide-mission sons pardoned by Hamid Karzai cried: “This pig-headed doesn’t realize that in three hours I can water my three acre poppy field.”

The hall which was in a complete mayhem, suddenly, sank into full silence as soon as President Karzai entered.  Pausing, and looking around, Karzai, who was overwhelmed by a feeling of pensive sadness, approached the podium.

With a sullen gesture and after repeating “brethrens, you’re welcome” Karzai addressed the participants: “I’m giving away these swords, the honors of our nation and history, the swords that were confiscated from the first infidels who intruded into our fatherland and were contemptuously defeated by us lions, by proud Afghans.” By mentioning “the intrusion of first infidels” Karzai was reminding the elders of the first Anglo-Afghan War in 1839-1842 that left a heavy death toll on the British.

After rubbing his eyes that became red, tears instantly started trickling down his face; Karzai lost his control, first mumbling, but then, hysterically saying: “These are the swords that chopped off the infidels’ heads from their bodies, not far away from here,” Karzai continued while pointing his finger to the southern corner of the hall “Their bones can still be found at Bala Hissar.”

While struggling to overcome his emotion, Karzai, with his right hand pulled out a scimitar with dried blood. He then addressed the elders: “This is the sword that our four fathers used to kill the invaders, the dried blood you see on it is the blood of British soldiers.” Elders immediately cried out: “God is great, down with the infidels, we will kill the infidels.” One of the elders whose blood was boiling as a result of Karzai’s oration against foreigners, immediately started bleeding. Blood gushed out of his ears, nose, and mouth.

Finally, President Karzai erratically took out a sabre - dripping blood - from his sheath, and addressed the elders: “I will not surrender myself to these American infidels; I will not sign the Bilateral Security Agreement with the United States.” He then left the hall without further delay.

The participants all began bleeding, and finally, all sunk into a pool of their own blood, except a short man from Bamiyan with a rounded face, and flat nose who survived. A journalist asked him why he didn’t bleed. In his response, the flat-nosed man while pale and confounded said: “I don’t have blood. I have been bleeding throughout the history.”

Note: The scimitar and sabre were used by the Afghans against the British soldiers in the first Anglo-Afghan War. Some of those swords can still be found in some Afghans' households. Some other parts are allusions to Afghanistan's history, and particularly a reflection on the current political situation.


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